My hitherto simple life of
self-sufficient atheist became extremely complicated overnight. The thought of somebody knowing me better than
I knew myself was utterly unnerving to say the least. And yet, it appeared to be true.
To believe in God for me would truly
BE like committing suicide – intellectually, emotionally, socially – you name
it. It would be like throwing away, denouncing everything I’d ever worked for,
believed in, counted upon all my life. Everything everyone I knew banked their
lives on. Perhaps the worst part of the whole story was that I would have to
start all over on the foundation of something I’d ridiculed and dismissed as a
crutch suitable only for those incompetent weaklings who couldn't make it on
their own. And now I was facing a
serious prospect of being counted as one of them!
This was not according to the plan! It was downright humiliating.
But, I also felt strange moral and
intellectual obligation to at least give it a fair shot. I couldn't ignore it anymore. Having had a couple of decades of practice of
being my own god, I admit that my view of God with capital G was quite
microscopic. I assumed we could be a team of equals (I know, I know). I even
thought I could enlist Him into my life on my own terms, although even at that
time the scenario seemed rather fishy. Over
the years, I learned that even though most people wouldn't be as blunt to
articulate it in such terms, I was actually not alone.
Needless to say, it was a rather bumpy
start from the very beginning. In the weeks that followed, however, what was
plain to everybody else started becoming more and more clear to me as well.
Indeed, there is only one God, and I, whether I liked it or not, am not
Him.
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