"He knows you better than you know yourself"

The possibility of the existence of a different reality which transcended my pea-size universe of egocentric atheism started gnawing at me until I couldn't bear it any longer.  I needed to get to the bottom of it. I was a journalist, and I had to follow this outrageous lead, even if it killed me.  All my accomplishments suddenly lost their luster, and I felt miserable and powerless to trick myself back into the blissful happiness of an ignorant fool.

Around that time, my exhausted, persevering, having-reached-the-end-of-their-capacities new friends made a suggestion.

You know, we can answer all your questions, and the next day you would come back to us with more. But, God He knows you.  He knows what you need. He knows you better than you know yourself.  Why don’t you just ask Him… He has His ways of getting through to you, where we are obviously failing.  You are making it a lot more complicated than it really is.

I saw nothing simple in what they were saying.  The situation was complicated!  And yet I had to admit that their proposition was quite attractive and, in its own crazy way, rather reasonable. If there was God (and we know, of course there isn't) , He would have to know everything.  Arrogant that I was, I never claimed to be omniscient.

I had nothing to lose. And, perhaps, I could even prove them wrong about this figment of their imagination they call God.  Still, t was hard to wrap my mind around, “He knows you better than you know yourself”.

That’s just IMPOSSIBLE! I argued.  Nobody, I mean, NOBODY knows me better than I know myself.  And I know myself quite well. …

The stars above blinked silently.

But, what if…? Is there…Could it be that there IS…  Somebody… out there…?!!!

No answer.

That night, before I went to bed, I went down on my knees (I thought that was what you were supposed to do when you addressed the Almighty) and said my first stumbling, haltering, as-sincere-as-I-could-muster at the time prayer to the God I didn't believe existed.

Hello. Errr... Hi there, if anybody is listening… These people tell me You know me better than I know myself.  So, I am thinking, if that is true, You would know the best way to reveal Yourself to me, so I know it’s You. If You truly are there, I really, really need to know it. Since You are God,  I am not going to tell You do this or that. Just do it quickly – like tonight, while I am sleeping – so we can get over with this and move on with our lives.  … Amen?

I don’t know if there is a right and a wrong way for an atheist to pray to God.  I was already in way over my head and rather desperate. Exhausted from the internal turmoil, I got up from my knees, collapsed into bed and fell asleep.