Arrested by His Rest, Surrendered to His Peace

When Your Most Formidable Opponent is 

Actually Your Best Friend

The sense of despair permeated every molecule of the days and weeks that followed.  On one hand, I had a glorious life to enjoy, cruising around the gorgeous Adriatic coast, with an amazing future prospect of becoming a cutting-edge scientist, or a journalist, or both, with money in my pocket, and more friends than I could handle. There was nothing more I could wish for at that moment, and yet, despite all this I was downright wretched.

The head-on collision of the two incompatible world-views was more than either my mind or my heart could handle. The seeming perfection of my external life only made the turmoil within feel all the worse.

During that time I was haunted by the words of Jesus recorded in the Gospels, promising peace…

Peace I give to you, My peace I give you.  Not as the world gives, I give to you.  Do not let your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful…

Or rest,

Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy-burdened, and I will give you rest…

Peace…

Rest…

I wanted – I needed that peace!

I wanted – I needed that rest…

…but not from Jesus…

God? Maybe…

Jesus?  No.

But, there seemed to be a problem.  For the same Jesus who promised this peace for a tormented mind and heart, this rest for the weary soul also said,

I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  No one comes to the Father but through Me.

No one comes to the Father but through Me…. Echoed in my mind. But why? Why? Why? Why do I need a mediator? Why does it have to be through Jesus? Who does he think he is?!!!

And all the turmoil over time culminated, distilled into one focal point– this Jesus, I didn’t want. This Jesus I resented – in His meekness, humility and brokenness, in His unapologetic, audacious claim He expressed over my life.

I wrestled, and argued, and argued, and wrestled day and night, week after week until all the arguments, all the feistiness, all the debating and negotiating and bargaining were used up, and I was on my knees, asking, no – begging - for that peace, and forgiveness – if His death on the cross included this open rejection…

In that blubbering unconditional surrender to the more formidable ‘opponent’ I discovered that He is - has been this whole time – my true Friend, the One who indeed knows me better than I know myself and loves me anyway…

And peace… and rest… descended on this tormented soul as I fell asleep - finally reconciled - in the scarred arms of the Crucified Savior.