Growth - Not A Solitary Journey

I don't know what to do with this new turn development.  I am overwhelmed with joy and fear at the same time.

What if I kill them?  

What if I drown them?

What if I murder them with too much fertilizer?

My own past inadequacies come back to haunt me, gnawing at the fresh happiness I feel. I turn to the Gardener

I don't think I can do this.  I am afraid I'll do something and they'll end up in the same place where all my past garden experiments ended - dead in the compost pile!

I will be with you... you will learn the times and the seasons and the right measure...  You'll know what they need and when...and you will have rest...

But that's what's so baffling, I just don't understand it. It's rocket science to me. All hard fruitless work and no rest. I tried to read the books, but it's all like gibberish to me. I can't sort what's important and what's not. Then I get discouraged and give up. Throw in the towel and let them die. That pretty much sums up my sad gardening story with predictable ending. But now, I look at them, and I hate... I hate the thought that I could hurt my little babies...

I glance at the cucumbers and squash affectionately. I feel like I want to squeeze and kiss their chubby little green cheeks. They nod affectionately back at me and my heart is awash in tenderness.

But now you have your own personal Gardener to help you... and I am seeing something new sprouting in you that hasn't been there before...

His calm confidence is a powerful antidote to my fears. I am not alone.  I don't need to figure it out by myself.  I am not sure I understand what bean sprouts inside me he is talking about, but that doesn't concern me at the moment.  Somehow, I know that I'll know what I need to know when I need to know it. And the thought brings something akin to peace and rest I've never experienced before.