Having queasiness in my gut from that What kind of idiot am I? question join the bells ringing in my head from Crazy in love God hammer makes me wonder if somewhere somehow I took a wrong turn and consequently got myself into this colossal mess. I've been known to do that sometimes. Then, I remember!
I am a world-class masochist – that’s what I am!
The fact that I don’t really remember ever calling myself a masochist, and the fact that all who know me are very much aware that I hate pain, doesn’t seem to phase me. The memory of the time when I almost ripped the chin off the face of the doctor who helped catch my baby girl when she hurried her arrival into this world just because of three little stitches doesn’t even cross the threshold of my consciousness. The fact that the Doc was simply doing his job and being helpful, even saving my life so I don’t bleed to death didn’t put my reaction to the needle-inflicted pain into perspective. Not at all.
All my life I lived by a very simple rule:
I love pleasure much more than I love pain. Consequently, my only addendum to this rule has been:
Therefore, avoid pain at all cost.
Right now, I feel a lot of pain, but for some reason I am a glutton for more.
What’s wrong with me?!!?? I wonder as I think about...
Who God is…
And about what He is after…
And then I think about me and my response to all that…
Turning my nose on it...
Being too busy for it...
Being too distracted by gazillion of other things that vie for a little bit or a lot bit of my heart’s real-estate to pay attention to it
Being, well, kind of indifferent towards it, for, to be honest, I don’t really care that much about things that are impractical and irrelevant to my daily life and I don’t see how God (no offense to my Creator) plays a part in it…
And, really, being much more interested in other kind of lovers than this invisible, quiet, so unnervingly slooooooowwww God I can't quite understand much less... control... and manipulate...and use... for my own ends...
And I start wondering if perhaps, absolutely unbelievable as it might sound… if I might be… could be… … But, I dismiss the thought.
No way. Impossible.
And the implausable tiny little thought is decisevly shoved aside by sheer strength of my will power. Having taken care of this, I return to my bon-bons and catching up on the episodes of Criminal Minds I have missed by spending too much time writing this blog.
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