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Unfortunately (or not!) I find that having all my anger drained out of me seems to have drained all my motivation. The emotional fuel
to deal with the situation is gone and now I battle the gravitational pull of
inertia.
It doesn't even matter
what I do. It won’t change anything. When I tried to affect change before it
only made things worse.
It all seems futile – nobody cares. Nothing ever changes. All of it is like a
ripple on the surface of the water left by a pebble that sinks to the bottom. The
ripple erased. The stone lost in the slimy riverbed. Why bother?
Why bother indeed?
There is no lofty moral mandate I have to carry out.
There are no marching orders issued to some Joan of Arc that
she must fulfill.
At this moment, I don't feel I have to do anything. No sense of compulsion. No pressure or urgency that drives an erratic action.
Just a gentle, quiet pull inwards, where the motivations and choices and decisions of a human heart reside.
I look at the little girl, her eyes puffed from tears,
the echo of her crying faint in my ears… and I realize,
I am not here to
change the world. I am not here to alter this messed up, screwed up system. I am here to show
to my child that what happens to her and her friends matters to me…because it
does! I want her to know that I care and that if I need to, I will voice and embody what they themselves would if only they could…
…
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