I detest the fact that I am begrudging my wonderful public library for justly fining me the miserly $2 in fines. The internal conflict finally distills into a single question:
What’s wrong with
me?!!!
As much as I hate fines, I hate even more finding out the
answer to this question.
I take a deep breath. I know what I am supposed to do.
In everything give
thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:18
There are things which are easy to be
thankful for, like fresh strawberries, or warm sunshine on a wintry day.
Other things are so big, so out of my control that I have no other viable alternatives:
Lord, this is soooo bad, only You can make it into something good… I just hope I survive to see it ... and even if I don't, You are still good...
And then, there are library fines. Those stupid, little
things that ruin my day. Where exactly do they
fit in that obnoxiously all-encompassing ‘every-thing’??
Eventually I inched my way to a place of gritted-teeth gratitude:
Fine! Thank You for the fine. No pun intended....
... ...
It could have been a lot worse, you know… Like a vehicle spinning out of control…
It could have been a lot worse, you know… Like a vehicle spinning out of control…
Are You trying to say
that my life is spinning out of control?!!!
I didn’t say that….
Pause.
Then, it occurs to me that every time I've had to pay
library fines, my life did seem to be spinning out of control. Too much going on. Too many details to keep
track of. The pressure per square inch of my life steadily increasing. I may think I am managing it O.K. I may think I am taking proper care of myself, my little people and the functional nuts and bolts of my life. I guard my margins vigilantly even as I am
driving on the shoulder! The library due dates seem to be the first wheels to fall off...
I think of the fine again, and with a startle I realize that
my heart is actually… bubbling with… gratitude?!!! Considering the alternatives, I find I am actually happy… that I got fined?!!! Happy?!!!
What’s wrong with
me?!!!
But, this time I already know something about myself. For I am the kind of person who likes good
deals, and suddenly the $2 looks like a darn good deal for the kind of lesson I
got. In fact, it's a steal... I wonder if I should feel guilty...?
1 comment:
Wow Gordana! This is such a refreshing perspective! I often wonder why one off comment from a neighbor or one dirty sock left in the middle of the floor can ruin a perfectly sane day. Gratitude! It's so elusive. But so vital -- and the lack of it really does reflect a heart that's not trusting. Thank you for this picture.
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