artists anonymous

Much of my art starts out with random mixed media mark-making that evolves
over time. Often I am the one most surprised by what shows up on the page. 

We are huddled in our little groups of twos and threes, passing around in whispers our empty bowls of prayer requests.  She is a seasoned veteran in this business of service, sacrifice and self-negation.  Her husband a respected leader. Each of us hesitates a little before I finally take a chance and set out my bowl first.

"I am doing this...",  I search for words to describe the Artist's Way and keep falling short... 

A book? A workbook? A 12-step-like recovery program for wounded artists?

Their gentle eyes rest on my face, waiting patiently for me to clothe my squirming thoughts into ill-fitting syllables.  Finally I confess. I settle on a simple action verb that has over-arched my existence as long as I can remember.

"I write... Three pages. .. Of longhand...  Every day...  Of whatever goes through my mind."

Even as I say this, the filled-out pages flash before my eyes, and I know that these words don't give a shadow of justice to the reality of what these pages represent.

"Oh!"  Her eyes having endured the burden of my silent quest for adequate linguistic wardrobe suddenly light up in recognition.

"It's like a prayer journal!"

"Nooo!"  I blurt out. "Not at all! I would call it more like ... vomit", I explain and my eyes pop wide open the moment the word reaches the auditory processing system inside my head. I am thoroughly mortified together with my shocked praying friends.  We laugh even as I kick myself for being such an idiot and I want to kick God for making me look like a fool in front of these women.

My Internal Editor hisses: 

"You blabber-mouth! You should have said something like, 

'It's a  ham radio for the soul.'  Or, even better, 

'It's a lush, ever-present oasis of absolute safety where you get to hear your own thoughts and feelings...'  Or, 

'It's a critics-free zone where I get to be fully myself!' Or at least, 

'It's a self-deception lie detector tool that helps me navigate through confusion of life where the truth and the appearance of truth often don't occupy the same space.'

The Editor, of course, is right. There are a million other things I could have said, but no!

Of all the beautiful words in richly stocked up English language, my brilliant brain chose to publicly humiliate me by landing on... VOMIT!