Whining Fast 101 – This Is Much Harder Than I Thought It Would Be

I’m In Way Over My Head

Smitten by the sudden realization of my compulsive habit, I look at my yard with fresh eyes. They just about pop out of my sockets as I notice weeds ALL around. Crabgrass, Pennywort, Sedge, Goosegrass, Button weed… I stare at the lawn suspiciously, wondering if it might be trying to imply that Whining shares the apartment with its evil twin sisters... Complaining, and Grumbling, and Criticizing, and Comparing, perhaps even Gossiping, and Who-Knows-What-Else… I dismiss the thought as utterly preposterous, since if I had to stop all that, I might as well stop talking altogether! So, I resolutely turn to my lawn and with renewed determination dive head first into it.

I will NOT allow THIS on MY watch!! I dig like a rabid squirrel, dirt flying, a mountain of pulled-out weeds next to me growing by the second. I am in the zone. I have finally found the purpose of my existence.

I am the GREAT weed EXTERMINATOR! Despite the heat, the dirt, the sweat, I actually feel pretty good about my new identity. I can sense adrenaline pumping through my cardiovascular system and I double the speed and intensity of digging.

Suddenly, a tiny voice yanks me right off my high stampeding horse.

Mommy, what is this lady doing??!!?

I stop in my tracks and look at the boy. I can’t really see him for my eyes are caked with dirt now. I use the inside of my elbow to wipe them off. I notice a large patch of uprooted turf had somehow landed on the eye-shade of my multipurpose baseball cap. I try to shake it off, but in the process I scatter some dirt on the boy and his mom. The perplexed look on his face is a mixture of curiosity, fear and desire to join me in the mud rolling. The fear seems to overtake the other two and he steps closer to his mama and hugs her right leg.

All around me there are holes were weeds used to be. Our lawn resembles an exploding minefield.

The lady… , his mama speaks slowly, enunciating every word, The lady is… planting!

She dusts the dirt off his shoulder as they move on. My jaw drops with a thump, hitting the mound of dirt in front of me.

I’m In Way Over My Head.