B is for Brilliant…
Planting? She said, I was PLANTING?!! I shook my head, talking to the tree who stares at me without a blink. What was that crazy woman thinking?!! Can’t she tell the difference between WEEDING and PLANTING?? I take the tree’s silence as agreement and turn my attention back to the lawn.
With all the holes and craters, it now looks more like the surface of the Moon. I’ve never seen anybody plant anything on the Moon, except, maybe Neil Armstrong when he planted the flag of the United States. I certainly am not a Neil Armstrong.
The wasteland sprawled in front of me speaks its own language.
I can feel the wind fizzling out of my sail, leaving hopelessness and self pity behind. I hug the tree and begin to weep; the puddle around my feet soon overflows the property lines of our yard and threatens to flood both neighbors’. Even though we are in the drought season, somehow I don’t think they would appreciate my free watering service.
I need fresh perspective, I think, still hugging the tree.
Perhaps I should try planking…
I climb to the lowest branch, which is still pretty high for a woman my age and athletic prowess. Somehow I manage anyway, shake of my dripping boots and look down. Being lifted out of the puddle of self-pity indeed helps.
Up in the sky, half way to the Moon, I consider alternatives – adding an expansion to our driveway and turning the whole yard into a basketball court… adopting an Arizona style rock garden with zero grass landscaping. Finally, the energy efficient light bulb comes on in my head and I have a brilliant idea:
Astro-turf! That’s what we should do – we should put down Astro-turf. All my woes instantly evaporate as I clamber down the tree trunk to call the family meeting.
We are switching to Astro Turf! I announce, very much impressed with myself.
My husband looks at me over his reading glasses and without apology nixes my brilliant idea.
Ain’t gonna work. He says, It’s against our HOA CC&Rs, and goes back to clipping the coupons.
What do you mean, It’s against our HOA CC&Rs?!!! They can’t do that! They are overreaching their authority! Forbidding fake grass - outrageous! Think of all the water conservation and NO MAINTENANCE! How can they object to that?!!! That… that’s like banning all the fake Christians, all the phonies and hypocrites from going to church!
Our I-read-Encyclopedia-Britannica-just-for-fun son sticks his nose out of the pages and throws in his two cents.
Mom, it’s really not as great as it sounds… There are some serious drawbacks. The infill required for laying down artificial turf may carry heavy metals which can leech into the water table, plus the turf carries pathogens which are not broken down by natural processes in the same way as regular grass and that… He looks up, sees that my bruised jaw is about to hit the floor again, and stops mid sentence.
I had no idea that fake can be hazardous to your own, your family’s and your community’s health.
B is for Brilliant… or, perhaps, Bad…
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