The Place of Tug-of-War

This all-out way-beyond-my-little-fist’s-grasp greatness seeps through my pores and sinks down to the place I am mostly unaware it even exists deep inside me. I feel the tension in my neck melting away and my fingers loosening the choke-hold of impossible and petty demands I place on myself, others and even God!

The noise of the small claims court as well as the grand jury investigation which somehow always seem to be in session inside my head are tempered by this extravagant unwarranted mercy extended above, and below and all around me. 

Tempered, I say, not completely silenced. I have to admit it’s a struggle and sometimes just plain hard work. 

You see, my Scrooge and my Judge, the Critic and the Editor know A LOT. But, they have no clue how to sit back and relax. 

Intelligent and valuable as they may be, they don’t understand that their services are not always needed. They descend with me as a scowling drove of tight-lipped responsible, extra-vigilant grown-ups who are well-versed in the significance of name-your-own-monster-here...

...Whatever...he...or...she...may be. 

Any embodiment of any...

..ism...

... perfectionism...

.... professionalism...

.... have-it-all-together-ism...

My old monsters happen to gnaw on me today. 

I am NOT being a perfectionist, I just happen to value the all-important grammatical and stylistic excellence!   

Sloppiness of thought and speech are punishable crimes.

Messiness and lack of organization a clear evidence of a deep character flaw. 

Of course, being so smart they know how to put on a show ensuring they don't appear too anal, but in reality they are just a bunch of poorly (or, perhaps, beautifully?) disguised control freaks. 

In the past, I would simply hand them a particularly engaging well-written and impeccably thought-out book on spiritual theology and that would keep them quiet if not happy.  They would much rather sit with a cup of tea in a comfortable chair inside their library and not have to deal with the screeching children and seagulls, and the annoying wind messing up their hair and flipping their pages before they have finished reading them.  

Today,  I want to try a different approach.  

But, I know I will need some serious help here.