Pain Management

I am in constant pain. Some days it's like dull droning in the background of my mind, others it's excruciating spasm that explodes with sudden intensity. Much of my life has become an exercise in pain management.   I have slowed down to a crawl, watching the rest of the world spin by me.  I find myself calling out for help for the things I used to be able to do by myself. Like, getting out of bed.  Or, taking the next breath. I feel embarrassed that I have descended to such levels of dependence, but the Gardener doesn't seem to mind, always ready to come alongside and help, with never a trace of resentment. I am mostly frustrated with myself, often wondering if life is ever going to return to normal.

What IS normal?  I ask nobody in particular, as we drag the garbage can together to the curb.

I don't necessarily wish to go back to that place of independence and self-sufficiency where I came from, I continue, but needing to rely on somebody for everything is... is a bit too much. 

Too much for whom? He asks as we head to the side of the house where we need to straighten out the garden hose before we water the vegetable patch.

It's just that all my life I have been taught to become more and more independent, to be responsible, to carry my own weight, to be efficient... and now... 

And now you discover that life is quite unmanageable and you need help...

Yes! A lot of help!  All the time! For everything!

Why do you think I am here? 

Well, that's a good question. I take a deep breath. Your help is beyond anything I could ever fully express and a simple thank-you doesn't seem enough...But, I hesitate here not wishing to offend him .

But to be completely honest, I finally muster the necessary courage, having learned that with him anything but complete truthfulness is plain stupid... There are times I don't understand you at all... and it feels like you are more about sabotaging even my best efforts, rather than helping me. Slowing me down, rather than accelerating my progress... I have a hard time wrapping my mind - and even more my heart - around it... It's like swimming uphill, while everyone else is having a grand time just floating along...