Holes in my T-shirt

Recently I read a blog about what the writer calls ‘quirky’ and what I call ‘ingenious’ idea of giving people ‘soul’ T-shirts, with inscriptions that capture that person’s personality trait or life situation. Of course, unlike the kindhearted author most of us wouldn’t even dream of posting on a public blog some of the things spelled out on the soul T-shirts we give out to other people (and this - not sharing it - is a good thing!) . The idea of giving away the soul T-shirts, practiced by many whether we acknowledge it or not, jump-started me into thinking about what kind of soul T-shirt do I wear. In my characteristically modest way, I would say that on the front of my shirt, in bold ALL CAPS cool font, a single word is spelled out:

HUMBLE

The back of the shirt would sport all lowercase, less conspicuous:

brag

The Humble Brag.

I’ve stolen the nifty descriptive phrase from the Urban Dictionary. The reason why it caught my attention was that I was seeing the wide-spread epidemic of the defined behavior all around me – on FB, on blogs, in the paper… Finally, in the spirit of the speck and the log (check out Matthew 7:3) it dawned on me that the whole world couldn’t be going crazy – it must be ME! And, sure enough, so it was! What a relief!

I was quite amazed by how easy it was for me to spell out what my soul T-shirt says on the outside. But, then, I sensed that there was a message on the inside of my soul T-shirt, written with the invisible ink, that nobody can see…. So, as is my habit, I started a dialogue with the Nobody….

So, whatcha think…. What does the INSIDE of my soul T-shirt say?

You know it…

I do???

A-ha…

Really? You kiddin’ me… I have no clue…

Sure you do. It’s scribbled all over, right next to those moth-eaten holes that Nobody sees….

Moth-eaten holes… this is going too far! My soul doesn’t have any moth-eaten holes!!!

….

Or… does it?

So, while Nobody is looking, I flip my soul T-shirt inside out and to my amazement, I see, with my own handwriting, messages that Nobody can see.

You are not enough… You are not enough… You are not enough… You are not enough….

I am not sure if the ‘You’  refers to  me... or Nobody.

Next to the words, for the first time in my life I see some huge, some tiny holes… each one bearing the shape of particular discontentment with life and circumstances, my family and myself… The times when my situation seemed either too big or too small for God to care about and consequently just having Him in my life simply wasn’t good enough… Having Him wasn’t quite sufficient, for it was OBVIOUS that I MUST have this thing or that, approval from this one, and a FB like from another, a perfectly harmonious marriage, and equally perfectly respectful kids ALL THE TIME. The times when my intense desire for something notably beautiful, and good, and right - like being a model representative of 'Thy Kingdom Come' - punctured a hole on the inside of my soul’s T-shirt and made me forget who it is that made me, who counts the bones in my body, the freckles on my face and the hairs on my head.

A single peek on the inside and I am awaked to the fact that what really matters about my soul’s T-shirt is what Nobody sees.


And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. Hebrews 4:13

The Ugly Painting

I am currently taking Find Your Joy taster course by British abstract artist, Louise Fletcher and 'just happened' to come across this post in my drafts folder written a couple of years ago. It still resonates with me, so I decided to go ahead and make it available to the readers.

Many would agree that one of the biggest barriers to creativity is pressure - whether internal or external - to be perfect. 

To make beautiful paintings every day, every single time.

To write meaningful well-crafted poems, or stories, or blog entries... every single time. 

To produce a jaw-dropping, awe-inspiring masterpiece day in day out. 

This mindset is so destructive to creative process that it must be addressed. Faced head-on. And eventually... brushed off and ignored.  

Nobody - I mean nobody - can sustain that kind of superior creative productivity over any respectable length of time. 

I am not saying that taming the dragon of perfectionism is easy, that there would be no backsliding or injuries to our ego or anything like that. But the outcome is well-worth it!

It may not work for everyone but I found that being very intentional about making something ugly can get us well along the way of enjoying unencumbered creativity.

Today, we are not making anything pretty, or beautiful, or fine. 

Today we are making... an ugly painting. 

Ugly poem. Ugly story. Ugly blog post.

I know, it's totally counter-intuitive, but as evidenced by countless artists, it truly works. 

Vast majority of my writing is largely garbage. As I continue to practice this craft, every once in a long while something surprisingly good comes out of my pen. 

In the similar way, I have an entire stack of ugly paintings cluttering our home. They are always handy when I feel like I just want to push some paint around and see what happens. This is fun! I am learning! Wow, this is neat... or cool... or crappy. 

With all the stress plaguing our world, we all need a safe place of exploration, messiness and ugly, that sometimes, surprisingly, produces something good. Actually, really good. 

Having a safe place like that doesn't only reduce stress. It also relieves the pressure from the creative process, allowing room for actual enjoyment of the moment, blissfully free from the need to 'deliver results'. 

Strangely enough, results many times follow, unexpected, usually at the time when we least expect it and when we couldn't care less.